Hey there fellow gay parents! When me and my partner were going through the surrogacy process, I remember running into someone at a coffee shop who asked if we were planning to keep working our 9-to-5 jobs after our daughter was born.
“Uh, yeah,” I said, laughing a little. “Bills don’t pay themselves, and honestly, we’ve got this whole parenting thing planned out. My husband’s schedule is pretty flexible, and I work from home a couple of days a week. We’re basically a well-oiled co-parenting machine.”
They looked at me like I’d just announced I was planning to teach our newborn how to file taxes. “You’re really going to leave the baby with your husband for hours at a time?”
I blinked. “Uh, yeah? He’s her dad. Not her babysitter. I wouldn’t have a kid with someone who couldn’t handle being alone with their own child. That’s like, the bare minimum.”
Honestly, I think a lot of people still have this idea that one parent (usually the mom) is somehow magically better at parenting just because they’re a woman. But here’s the thing, parenting isn’t gendered. It’s not about who’s “naturally” better at it, it’s about who’s willing to show up, learn, and put in the work.
And let me tell you, as two dads, we’ve had to figure out everything from scratch. There’s no “default parent” in our house. It’s just us, tag-teaming like the superhero duo we are.
So, if you’re a working parent, whether you’re a dad, a mom, or two dads like us, keep this in mind, you can make it work. It’s not always easy, but it’s definitely doable. Here’s how we’ve managed to keep our heads above water while raising our little girl and juggling our 9-to-5 lives.
Here is my hot take about parenting, parenting is not a side hustle or a hobby, it’s a full-time gig on top of your actual full-time job. And when you’re two dads raising a kid, there’s no default parent that takes care of the kid 80% of the time.
That means you’ve got to set up fair, sustainable patterns from the start.
When our daughter came home, we made a pact, no one gets to coast. Sure, one of us might take the lead on certain tasks depending on who’s better at them (my husband is a pro at swaddling, while I’m the master of bedtime stories), but the workload has to be balanced.
If you’re the one on parental leave first, don’t let yourself become the de facto “primary parent.” That’s a trap. Instead, use that time to recover and bond with your baby, but also to set the tone for how things will work once you’re both back at work.
For example, I remember saying, “I’ll handle the midnight feedings while I’m on leave, but once we’re both back at work, we’re splitting them 50/50.” And we did. We even made a chore chart, yes, a chore chart. It’s not old-school, it’s genius.
We color-coded it (because we’re extra like that), and it made it super clear who was responsible for what. Laundry? Split. Diaper duty? Split. Grocery runs? Split. You get the idea.
And let’s talk about paternity leave. If you’re in Canada, you know the struggle, 12 weeks of unpaid leave is a joke. But if you can swing it, take it. Both of you. Studies show that the patterns you set in those early weeks, who changes diapers, who soothes the baby at 3 a.m., stick around for years.
When our daughter was born, my husband took a chunk of paternity leave, and it was amazing. He became the go-to guy for bath time, and to this day, he’s still the bath-time MVP.
Even if you think you’re the most progressive, egalitarian couple out there (hello, we’re two gay dads, we’re basically rewriting the rulebook), societal norms have a sneaky way of creeping in. You’ve got to actively push back against that. Don’t let unfair patterns take root. If something feels off, speak up. Parenting is a team sport, and you’re both in the starting lineup.
So I advise you to sit down with your partner and hash out a plan. Who’s doing what? How will you handle the chaos of mornings and the exhaustion of evenings? And most importantly, how will you make sure both of you feel supported and appreciated? Because when you’re both working full-time and raising a kid, you’re going to need each other more than ever.
Okay, let’s address the elephant in the room, breastfeeding. Obviously, as two dads, that’s not in the cards for us. But guess what? Feeding a baby, whether it’s formula, pumped milk, or whatever works for your family, is a huge part of parenting, and it doesn’t have to fall on just one person.
The baby wakes up crying, someone has to warm the bottle, someone else changes the diaper, and then there’s the feeding itself, followed by burping, cleaning up spit-up, and maybe even changing their outfit (because babies are basically tiny, adorable mess machines).
All of these tasks don’t have to be done by the same person. In fact, they shouldn’t be. When you’re both working full-time, splitting the feeding routine is key to keeping things fair, and keeping your sanity intact.
When our daughter was little and waking up every few hours at night, we took shifts. One of us would handle the first wake-up, and the other would take the next. For example, I’d get up, change her diaper, and give her a bottle while my husband slept. Then, the next time she woke up, he’d do the same for me. That way, neither of us was stuck being the designated zombie parent.
And let’s be real, feeding a baby in the middle of the night is exhausting, no matter how you look at it. But when you’re helping eachother, it feels a little less overwhelming. Plus, it gives you both a chance to bond with your little one during those quiet, middle-of-the-night moments.
During the day, we kept the same teamwork mindset. If one of us was feeding her, the other would handle the prep work, warming the bottle, grabbing a burp cloth, or just keeping her entertained while the bottle was getting ready. And when it came to researching the best formula, reading up on feeding schedules, or ordering bottles online, we tackled it together.
When you’re two working dads trying to raise a kid, your schedules can feel like a puzzle missing half its pieces. Especially if you’re both working 9-to-5 jobs, it’s a little easier to divvy up the parenting duties because you’re on the same clock. But if one of you has a flexible schedule, works from home, or is running their own business? That’s when things can get messy.
Working from home with a baby sounds great in theory but in practice? It’s a disaster waiting to happen. Trust me, I’ve been there. You think, “Oh, I’ll just work during her nap,” but then you realize you haven’t eaten, showered, or blinked in six hours, and suddenly that nap feels like your only chance to survive, and then you notice you’re not getting any work done.
So, here’s what I’ve learned, you’ve got to set clear boundaries and stick to them. If one of you is working from home, make sure you’re actually working during your work hours, not folding laundry, not scrubbing bottles, not playing part-time stay-at-home dad. That means setting up child care or trading off shifts so you can focus.
For example, my husband and I have a system where he takes the early morning shift with our daughter so I can get a solid block of work in before my day starts. Then, when he’s at his 9-to-5, I’m on dad duty. And if I need to work late or on weekends, I leave the house. No guilt, no apologies. I head to a coffee shop, a coworking space, or even just the park with my laptop. The key is to treat your work time as sacred because it is.
And let’s talk about interruptions. If you’re trying to work at home while your partner is with the baby, it’s way too easy for them to pop in with, “Hey, can you just hold her for five minutes while I [insert random task here]?” Sounds harmless, right? But those little interruptions add up. Before you know it, you’ve lost an hour of productivity and your focus is shot.
My solution? Get out of the house. Let your partner figure out how to deal with the baby, the shower, and the dishes, just like you would if the roles were reversed. Parenting is a team effort, but that doesn’t mean you have to be in the same room 24/7.
Let me talk about something that doesn’t get enough airtime, the idea of a designated primary parent. Now, I know what you’re thinking, shouldn’t parenting be 50/50 all the time? In an ideal world, sure. But in the real world, where work meetings, networking events, and the occasional sanity-saving happy hour exist, it’s not always that simple.
If you don’t explicitly decide who’s “on call” as the primary parent at any given time, things can get messy fast. One of you might accidentally end up shouldering way more of the parenting load, and before you know it, you’re resentfully Googling “how to survive parenting burnout” at 2 a.m.
So, how do you avoid this? Simple: take turns being the go-to dad. Designate specific times or days when each of you is the primary parent. For example, my husband is the primary parent on Wednesdays and weekends, while I take Mondays and Thursdays. That way, we both know exactly when we’re “on” and when we’re “off.”
What does being the primary parent mean? It means you’re the one handling most of the baby's duties during that time. If the baby needs a diaper change, a snack, or a snuggle, you’re the first responder. It also means you can’t just dip out to grab drinks with a friend or tackle a work project without checking in first.
If you want to do something outside of your parenting shift, you either need to swap shifts with your partner or hire a babysitter (and yes, finding a babysitter counts as work, don’t @ me).
I'm giving you this system not just so you can both be fair to each other, it’s mainly about freedom. When you know you’re not on call, you can relax, focus on work, or hit up that networking event without feeling any guilt. And let me be honest with you, maintaining your career and your sanity is just as important as keeping your family together.
Parenting as two dads means rewriting the rules, no default parent, no micromanaging, just teamwork. Split the tasks, take turns being the go-to dad, and let each other parent find their way. And when life throws curveballs (I bet it will), have a plan. Equality doesn’t happen by accident, it happens by design.
So, you’ve made a plan to split parenting tasks equally. Awesome! But wait a sec, what happens when the baby gets sick, or the daycare calls with an emergency? Is it just assumed one of you will always drop everything? Nope.
Address this head-on before it happens. Take turns being the one to rush home, and if one of you has a more flexible job, make sure the other steps up on weekends or evenings to balance it out.
It’s easy to talk about equality when everything’s going smoothly, but the true test comes when things get messy. Don’t fall into old stereotypes or let guilt dictate who handles what. If you want true equality, you’ve got to commit to it, both of you. That means having hard conversations, making compromises, and sticking to your plan, even when it’s tough.
If you want to break free from outdated norms, you’ve got to partner with someone who’s just as committed to equality as you are. You don’t fight the patriarchy by accident, you do it on purpose. So, make a plan, stick to it, and remember, you’re in this together. PEACE!
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